It has been several months since I have updated the blog on this site. I have acquired this sort of aversion to my previous tendency to resort to introspection when working creatively. I spent a lot of time in high school reflecting on my process and my habits and my fears. I do not doubt that doing so advanced my development as a creative and intellectual individual tremendously. I believe that the constant deliberation and writing I was required to do have had the greatest influence on my current understanding of my identity as an artist.
Ultimately, though, I have decided that I am in a position in my life where I should no longer prioritize introspection and reflection, at least not for now. What good is self-awareness when it isn’t put to use? How accurate can my findings be if they are grounded in only four years of artistic exploration? I have a long way to go, and I feel as though I am in a place where I need to take advantage of all of the new resources that stand before me and make a bit of a mess. Make some mistakes. Shed tears over a battle I only caught a glimpse of in high school. Then, and only then, will I be able to throw something new into this discussion. I am aware that it’s all kind of the same thing and that the battles I encounter will more or less be mine for the entirety of my life. That does not mean I will not arrive at previously unexplored insights or challenges that supplement my existing understanding of my creative identity.
I resolved a few things last year. Maybe resolved isn’t the right word. To say that I have eliminated every seed of insecurity would be incorrect. In fact, I noticed its presence a few days ago in probably the ugliest manner I ever have when I caught myself discouraging two artists whose work I’ve always really admired. I had a very hard time recognizing myself as a result of this instance. It’s not who I am. I’ve forgiven myself even if they haven’t and hope to be aware of this going forward. So no, this has not been resolved. My sense of self-doubt is ever-present as I am sure it always will be. What has changed, however, is my response. When I experience that absence of faith, I no longer allow myself to bolster and provoke that negativity. Coming to this conclusion was fairly simple. I do not want to be a loser. I do not desire failure. I do not want to live in constant fear. Does anyone? I can’t deny that there are forces within me that work to ensure my failure and ultimate disappointment. But why would I willingly surrender? Why would I want them to be right? That is absolutely foolish. Unequivocally ridiculous. I do not understand why that was ever a battle I voluntarily fought. Maybe that’s it though. Maybe it wasn’t a battle at all. Submitting to these forces requires very little, if any, energy. It’s the easy way out. It evades all discomfort, dissatisfaction, and distress. I hate the easy way out. I have never been that person. This is no exception.
That discomfort, the dissatisfaction, and the distress are all going to catch us up to us anyhow if, after years have passed, we peer over our shoulder and see we haven’t actually taken a single step.
How’s that for dissatisfaction?